Merry Christmas movie house!!

There are a few events that help get me into the Christmas spirit every year. Ironically, one of these is when I hear Adam Sandler's Chanukah Song. Another is watching Christmas movies on TV. One movie in particular is Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life, which I bought on DVD last week. I find it's even better when shared with someone, so I invited my friend Joan (whom I've given the gangsta name the Notorious MBA) over to watch it. Let it not be said that the Renaissance Runner has a heart of stone. Even though I've seen this film many times, there are still a few scenes that get me just a little choked up and misty-eyed. Yes, I do have a sentimental side.

I'm definitely looking forward to going home for the holidays and spending time with the people I love; namely my friends and family. I'm eagerly anticipating my sister-in-law's Christmas baked goods, and will be making use of my Dad's treadmill to remain svelte and sexy. Maybe I'll go download some Christmas songs and play them tonight. Oh, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Stay off the pipe, kids!!

During my commute to work this morning, I was flipping between radio stations trying to find either witty repartee between the morning crews or music that didn't suck. I miss 101.1 X-FM, but that's another story. Unable to find either at the moment, I settled for listening to the news. One bizzare news item in particular grabbed my attention.

Robert Chamberlain, a 44-year-old Virginia man was arrested earlier this month and charged with felony criminal mischief for damaging a Motel 6 room in upstate New York. So far it sounded like nothing out of the ordinary for this favourite haven of adulterers on a budget. What made this incident stand out was he was nabbed for slathering Vaseline on every single thing in room 205, including mattresses, pillows, sheets, furniture, carpeting, blankets, the TV, etc. A motel employee discovered the slippery tableau shortly after Mr. Chamberlain had checked out, and notified the Sherrif's office. The Deputy who arrived to investigate recalled that a room at a nearby Super 8 had been slimed by Chamberlain a few weeks ago, although the owner had declined to press charges.

A search of the trash in the Motel 6 room turned up 14 empty jars of Vaseline, drug paraphernalia and cocaine residue indicating he'd been smoking crack, and porno magazines, all of which were also covered in Vaseline. Shortly after the discovery of the damaged room, Chamberlain was arrested at a nearby Econo Lodge. At the time of his arrest, the man in question was covered from head to toe in Vaseline.

Are you taking this in, kidees? If this isn't incentive enough to stay off the pipe, I don't know what is. Yeeeecccchhh!!!

Renaissance Runner: The Movie!

I've been asked a few times in the past that if a movie of my life and times were to be made, who would I cast to play me? My answer, without evasion, equivocation, or mental reservation has been Erik Estrada. Who better than the macho, super cool Officer Frank "Ponch" Poncherello from the 70's TV series "CHiPs" to portray the glory and majesty that is Renaissance Runner?

Mind you the, 80's and 90's were not necessarily kind to my homey Erik. Understanding that a man's gotta pay the bills, I forgave him for less than stellar gigs such as Hollywood Squares and Circus of the Stars. I even looked the other way when I saw he was on the Reality TV series The Surreal Life. What I witnessed recently, however, just goes too far. I was up late Saturday night sitting at my computer, with the TV on for background noise. Suddenly I heard an all too familiar voice and saw Mr. Estrada on the screen, wearing a tacky Hawaian shirt, doing a commercial selling property for some sort of "gated" community in Arkansas. Yes, that's right, Arkansas! A half hour later he was back plugging the same concept in Florida.

Mr. Estrada, you may have once been a star. You may have once been great. But now you will never know what it is like to play the Renaissance Runner. My new choice to play me is none other than Scott Baio. This ladies man was even inducted into The Man Show Hall of Fame for his reputation of dating women such as Brooke Shields, Pamela Anderson, Nicolette Sheridan and Heather Locklear among other celebrity hotties. So long Ponch, you washed up sellout. Hello Chachi!

Dear Santa...

Hey Kringle,

How you doin'? I know it's been a long time since I've wrote you. I want you to know I forgive you for not bringing me a Big Wheel for Christmas when I was six. It's in the past, big guy. Let's move on.

On to the present, pardon the pun, there's something I want for Christmas that I could use your help with. I don't even know if this is something within the scope of your special kind of magic. Anyhoo, here goes. Can you bring me a girlfriend for Christmas? Don't get me wrong. Toys and clothes and stuff are nice and all, but I really don't have any problem getting those myself. The girlfriend thing is turning out to be a little more problematic. I don't have any preferences on hair colour, eye colour, etc, but there definitely must be a hotness factor. I may be a little shallow when it comes to that, but then again, who isn't?

Let her have intelligent things to say. Having interesting conversations while we lie entwined together in the darkness all sleepy and warm is my second favourite thing to do in bed.

Let her be an outdoorsy kind of person, for I have a new mountain bike, and having someone to go biking with would bring me great joy.

Let her know what she wants and not be afraid to go after it. Likewise let her understand I know what I want and have her not be afraid if what I want is her.

Let her have the sense and forthrightness to tell me if I have said or done something to make her sad or angry. Chances are this was not done intentionally and I am ignorant of the effects of those actions. She will likely be most pleased with the lengths I will go to make amends.

Finally, let her not have excessive emotional baggage. One carry-on is fine. Four steamer trunks are way off. If she must have several pieces of luggage, at least let them be a matching set. Perhaps Gucci. Heftybags will just not do.

This is all I'm asking for St. Nick. I realize it's a tall order, but I have faith in you. If this is outside the realm of the possible, some holiday arm candy to take to Christmas parties will do in the short term. Something to make my work colleagues jealous, and make the brass think, "Hmmmm, I can't quite put my finger on it, but something's different about RR. Maybe he is senior management material after all. Let's get the decorators in for his new office."

Yours truly,

Renaissance Runner (RR)