Friday, September 22, 2006

You want to feel my what?

Today I went in for a medical checkup as per the Afghanistan post-deployment procedure. There was the usual vision test, hearing test, checking blood pressure, etc, but when the medic measured my pulse, he looked at me and said, "You have an irregular pulse."

When I asked him what he meant, he said that my heart would beat with a regular rhythm for a while, then beat with an irregular rhythm, then beat regularly again. Then he added, "But I'm sure you've been dealing with this for a while, so let's move on."

Whoa, hold the phone there, slappy. This was news to me. That's just great, I've picked up some giant, freakish, Afghan heart parasite that's devouring my ticker as we speak, and he wants to just move on.

"Well, I'll check if the doctor can test you on the EKG to see if it's anything we should be concerned about," he added. Yeah, why don't you do that?

I'm happy to say the morning got better. For part 2 of my medical, I was ushered into an attractive female doctor's office. She looked at my file, asked me a few questions and then moved me into the examination room. After listening to my heart with a stethoscope, she informed me my heart sounded fine. If my medical had ended there, I would have considered it finishing on a positive note. Then she asked me, "Do you want me to check your testicles for lumps?" I must have given her an odd look, because she added, "Or would you rather check them yourself?"

"Uh, no that's ok. You can check them," I offered. This was quite a reversal of fortune. From worrying about my heart exploding in my chest, to having Martin and Lewis fondled and not even having to buy her dinner first. Good times.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Oh Canada!

About two of my six or so readers have been complaining I haven't updated my blog, so here it is. I finally flew out of Afghanistan at the end of August, but not before the country got one more cheap shot on me. For my last few days there, anything I ate went straight through me. The prospect of flying out of there on a cargo plane with a wicked case of the trots was something I'd rather avoid, so I finally caved and went to the infirmary. They told me to switch to a liquid diet (not Jack Daniels and Jim Beam) for a couple of days to give my stomach a chance to recover, and take immodium whenever there was a problem. I have to say, the liquid diet did the trick and it was smooth sailing out of that country.

Before going home, we were sent to the Mediterranean paradise of Cyprus for 4 days of Decompression Leave. I was looking forward to having a few drinky poos, but as soon as I returned to solid food, the problem with my guts came back with a vengeance. A quick call to the Medical Officer and he informed me I probably had gastric enteritis. The good news was that antibiotics would clear it right up. The bad news was I couldn't drink or lie out in the sun, due to the antibiotic they were giving me. No problem. After all, why would I want to drink or lie out in the sun on a TROPICAL ISLAND?!! SON OF A BITCH!!!

Luckily, the drugs cleared up the problem right away, and 36 hours later I was boozing it up with a bunch of artillery guys in the town of Aya Napa, known as the European playground.

I've been back on Canadian soil for a couple of weeks now. To say it's great to be back would be an understatement. I went to my brother and sister-in-law's place for brunch the day I landed in Toronto. After reading about him for several months on my Kat's blog, I finally got to meet my four month old nephew, Max. Kat brought him down from his nap, I started talking to him, he stared at me for a bit and then got a big, goofy grin on his face. Then Kat sat him in my lap for a while and we just chilled. I think Max and I are going to get along just fine. What a well-behaved little guy he is, and well on his way to being a linebacker given his size.

In my first week home, I was reunited with a woman I briefly dated in University, whom I hadn't seen in 14 years. To make a long story short, her cousin was working in the camp where I was stationed and helped arrange my Euro trip. She had the same last name, so I asked her if she was related to Tina. As it turned out, she was and she gave me her cousin's e-mail address. We e-mailed and chatted for my remaining months in country, and finally met a few days after I was home. She has a nine year old daughter, whom she's done a terrific job of raising, and we've become good friends. It's like comedian Steven Wright used to say: "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."

Last weekend, my family held a welcome back party for me and invited my relatives and friends. It was awesome to see everyone again. My buddy John even stood in line for 2 hours at a Sci Fi convention, to get personalized autographed photos for me of two of the fetching actresses from the TV series Firefly. What a pal. And yes, I know I'm a geek. I've made my peace with it.

Since then, I've been relaxing with family in Burlington, visiting friends, and trying to figure out what I'm going to do next in my life. Should I stay in the military? Should I go out into the private sector and do something in project management? Or should I become a lumberjack? Skipping through the forests of British Columbia with my best gal by my side!

"Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok.
I work all night and I sleep all day...."

- The Lumberjack Song, Monty Python