You want to feel my what?

Today I went in for a medical checkup as per the Afghanistan post-deployment procedure. There was the usual vision test, hearing test, checking blood pressure, etc, but when the medic measured my pulse, he looked at me and said, "You have an irregular pulse."

When I asked him what he meant, he said that my heart would beat with a regular rhythm for a while, then beat with an irregular rhythm, then beat regularly again. Then he added, "But I'm sure you've been dealing with this for a while, so let's move on."

Whoa, hold the phone there, slappy. This was news to me. That's just great, I've picked up some giant, freakish, Afghan heart parasite that's devouring my ticker as we speak, and he wants to just move on.

"Well, I'll check if the doctor can test you on the EKG to see if it's anything we should be concerned about," he added. Yeah, why don't you do that?

I'm happy to say the morning got better. For part 2 of my medical, I was ushered into an attractive female doctor's office. She looked at my file, asked me a few questions and then moved me into the examination room. After listening to my heart with a stethoscope, she informed me my heart sounded fine. If my medical had ended there, I would have considered it finishing on a positive note. Then she asked me, "Do you want me to check your testicles for lumps?" I must have given her an odd look, because she added, "Or would you rather check them yourself?"

"Uh, no that's ok. You can check them," I offered. This was quite a reversal of fortune. From worrying about my heart exploding in my chest, to having Martin and Lewis fondled and not even having to buy her dinner first. Good times.