Renaissance Runner

Words to live by

2009-04-27T02:03:00.000-04:00

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
- Robert A. Heinlein

Worst superpower ever

2009-04-25T11:51:00.002-04:00

When I was in my second year of University, I dated a girl named Tina. She was cute, witty and fun and I really liked her. As the summer break approached, I found out I had been accepted into the officer training program in the military and would be spending 16 weeks in Base Gagetown in New Brunswick. I discovered to my dismay that Tina was not interested in continuing our relationship. While doing basic training, I found out she had started dating some guy named Brad, who was the cook at the Swiss Chalet where she was waitressing.

Upon my return to school in the fall, I was walking across campus with a friend of mine when I bumped into Tina. I asked her how she was doing, she said she was great and then held out her hand, palm down. I had no idea what this gesture meant and stared blankly at her until my friend suddenly said, "Congratulations." That's when I refocused on her hand and noticed the engagement ring on her finger. The exchange then went something like this:

"Brad?"
"Yeah."
"I see. I'm going to go now."

The reason I bring this up is because that was when I discovered my superpower. After breaking up with me, the next guy my ex meets is the guy she ends up marrying. While this doesn't happen every single time, it's happened far too often to be chalked up to coincidence. So, no super strength, no flying, no telepathy. Apparently after dating me, women realize everything they don't want in a guy, which narrows it down for them to meet the man of their dreams.

While on Facebook today, I saw a pic in the highlights section of my home page that made my heart sink a little. The pic was of a woman I was dating up to about six months ago. The pic showed her hand with a ring on it. Being the masochist I am, I clicked on it and sure enough, she's engaged.

Last week, I noticed updates on my news feed from a woman I dated near the end of last year, discussing how her and her new boyfriend are like one of those couples you see in those eHarmony commercials. While they haven't got engaged yet, give it a few months. It'll happen.

For my own mental well being I deleted her from my friends list, so I don't have to receive regular updates about how blissfully happy they are. It's not like we're in contact with each other anyways. I think I'll be doing the same with my ex who was recently engaged. I only need to slam a car door on my hand once to realize, "You know what? That hurts. I don't think I'm going to do that anymore."

This is the superpower I got? Really? Even the Thing got a better deal than this. This is the worst superpower ever.

Renaissance Runner Redux

2009-02-23T23:24:00.004-05:00

After being absent from here for almost two years, I decided to write a new entry. It's late at night here in the nation's capital, and it's just me, my dog curled up next to me, and a slew of thoughts. What should I write about after having been gone from here for so long? I suppose I could sum up the highlights of the past two years, but I think I'll save that for another day. Instead, I think I'll write about something that's been on my mind lately.

I've had it with dating. I feel like I've spent an inordinate amount of time and energy only to have a string of bitter disappointments in that area of my life. I'm tired of dating women who turn out to be the emotional equivalent of a David Lynch film, and there are far more of you out there than I ever imagined.

So, for now I'm going to focus on improving myself. I'm working out regularly again, which is great for dispelling the winter blahs and increasing my energy levels. I've always wanted to learn a musical instrument, so I'm taking guitar lessons. Hopefully I can stick with it and learn to rock out. I'm even taking night courses to improve myself in my professional life. It's already paid off with helping me to land a better job.

Am I done with dating for good? Doubtful. Perhaps I'll feel different once Spring or Summer is here. In the meantime, take your neuroses and unresolved traumas somewhere else. I'm not interested.

"Don't know that I will
But until I can find me
A girl who'll stay
And won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
Solitary man"

Oh God! Urp! Oh God! Make it stop!

2007-04-26T16:56:00.000-04:00

It's been a rough couple of days for The Runner, boys and girls. A dose of viral gastroenteritis went through my family like a prairie grass fire. Just when I thought the angel of pestilence would pass me by unscathed, I started feeling queasy late Tuesday night.

"No problem," I thought. "I'll just pop a couple of gravol anti-nauseants, pass out in bed, and I should be able to sleep through the worst of it."

Yeah, right. I woke up around 1am to the realization that I was not going to sleep through this. The next four hours or so were spent with me dragging myself to the bathroom at 15 minute intervals, sitting on the crapper and cradling a bucket in my arms, simultaneously projectile vomiting and hershey squirting. Then staggering back to bed, sweating profusely and shaking. Soooo c-c-c-c-cold. Those four hours of hell made me realize that just when you think you couldn't possibly throw up anymore...you can.

The dehydration brought on by this was no picnic either. After a certain point, my kidneys started to ache. I started to wonder just how much dehydration needed to take place before your kidneys shut down. The only thing that stopped me from going to the hospital, was I didn't think I could make it from the house to the Emergency room without having another bout of the trots. Walking into the Hospital after just having crapped myself would have been one indignity too many for that night.

Luckily, sometime after 5am exhaustion overcame me, I slipped into the sweet embrace of unconsciousness and slept for about 2 hours. After that, I started drinking tiny doses of gatorade to restore my fluid and electrolyte levels. Against my better judgement, I started drinking more and more of it. Around 11am I was sick one final time and brought up about a jug's worth of gatorade. I have to say though, in the grand scheme of things, gatorade is one of the easier substances to throw up. It doesn't burn on the way up, and there are no messy chunks. After finishing, I actually thought, "Well, that wasn't so bad."

The rest of yesterday was spent lying on the couch and consuming fluids. Today, I ramped it up a little and had some chicken broth. Yes, I know what you're thinking. You're a wild man, RR. Out of curiosity, I decided to weigh myself, figuring I probably lost a couple of pounds from this. I looked down at the reading on the scale and thought, "That can't be right." I tried another scale in the house and received the exact same reading. I dropped ten pounds in the last two days. Jebus, that can't be good. Kids, listen to me when I say, don't try this at home.

Dreamland

2007-04-15T18:54:00.000-04:00

So there I was, on a state of the art private jet with a half dozen beautiful women. I don't know where we were flying to, but I knew it was someplace far away and exotic. I also somehow knew that I had orchestrated this journey. The ladies were giving me long, appreciative looks indicating a guided tour of the garden of earthly delights was in my future.

Suddenly, I was rudely awakened to the fact that both of my legs were losing all sensation in them. The reason? My dog Scout was stretched out across both of them. Don't get me wrong, I love my dog, but sometimes he can be a real buzzkill.

Rule Britannia!

2007-04-13T16:34:00.000-04:00

Look kids! Big Ben! Parliament!

Green Space

2007-04-13T16:25:00.000-04:00

After several months in a country where the predominant landscape colours were tan and brown, I didn't realize how much I was missing the colour green until I arrived in London on a beautiful spring day.

Desert Rat

2007-04-12T23:36:00.000-04:00

For those who haven't seen them, here's a couple of pics of me in Kandahar, Afghanistan from last year.

Mmmmmm, ham

2007-04-12T22:21:00.000-04:00

Last week, the Notorious MBA and I went to the National Job Fair in Toronto. After having thoroughly perused their website, I had high hopes for what this event had to offer. I was looking forward to getting face time with a large number of corporate HR reps and wowing them with my leading-edge business card CDs. The CD label and resume contained within which were both designed by my artistically talented friend, Jalapeno. MBA was looking forward to speaking with the people from Australian Immigration, as the warm sunny climate would suit her just fine.

Alas, both of us were disappointed. Every person I tried to speak with about job opportunities would inevitably tell me to go look at their website. Look at your website? The whole point of this exercise was to have human contact. To get those extra dimensions you can't get just from submitting your resume online. Can't these jerks see I have personality, dammit?! Had I known it was going to be like this, I could have saved myself a trip out to the T-dot. Hell, I could have surfed the web looking for jobs and not even put on pants. I put on pants for this, people. This is a big deal here!

MBA's disappointment came when the Aussies told her they were only looking for people who wanted short-term employment down under, doing jobs such as picking fruit. Let me assure you, MBA, you are capable of doing more than just picking fruit.

On the bright side, I finally saw the Phantom of the Opera. Yes, I was the one who hadn't seen it. I learned that Phantom of the Opera = good, Phantom of the Opera while liquored up = better! I don't think the cast or audience liked it when I yelled out, "Hey! Where's all the singin' cats?!"

Eventually, I drove MBA back to our Nation's Capital and managed to get a few things crossed off on my to do list, such as getting my summer tires on my car, getting my mountain bike out of storage and even getting my bike tuned up for spring. We also saw the Adam Sandler/Don Cheadle movie "Reign Over Me", which was quite well done. Our favourite line of the film by far was, "That girl is crazy, with a side of crazy!"

I even got two Easter dinners out of the weekend. One at MBA's friend's house, and one back at home. For my money, you just can't have too much ham. Mmmmmm, ham.

RR

"Wake up, without a care. Your head's not heavy, conscience clear
Sins are all forgiven here, yours and mine
Fear has gone without a trace
It's the perfect time, it's the perfect place
Nothing hurting. Nothing sore. No one suffers anymore,
The doctor's found a simple cure.
Just in time

All these things if I were King would all appear around me
The world will sing when I am King
The world will sing when I am King"
- When I Am King, by Great Big Sea

Return of the Runner

2007-04-10T17:15:00.000-04:00

After a long absence from this site, I've decided to come back and write a few posts again. Why was I gone for so long, you ask? Well, things had quieted down in my life in comparison to events of the previous year. Anything that was going on in my life I felt was either not worthy of blogging about, such as my professional life, or was best left unblogged, such as my romantic life. The last time I blogged about a woman here, it came back to bite me in the ass. RR would rather not go through that again.

Since I've been back from overseas, I've been asking myself the question, "What now?". The military, while it's been very good to me for the sixteen years I've been in, doesn't feel like a good fit for me anymore. I've been feeling like it's time to move on and do something else. A few months ago, I started looking at going back to school. Given my work background, I looked for something in the IT field. After seeking advice from a few people, an old army buddy mentioned a one year grad program in Information Systems Security that someone he knew had taken and done very well with. I researched it and thought it sounded very promising, so I submitted my application. Lo and behold, I was accepted into the program, which starts in September.

It feels good to have a plan in place for my life again. This program will be just what I need to make the transition to a decent career in the private sector. Lord knows there are no shortage of security breaches on e-commerce websites. That's all I have for know. I'll try and write a few more blogs within the coming week.

Peace out!

RR

"Now I've been happy lately,
thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be,
something good has begun"
- Peace Train, by Cat Stevens

You want to feel my what?

2006-09-22T01:48:00.000-04:00

Today I went in for a medical checkup as per the Afghanistan post-deployment procedure. There was the usual vision test, hearing test, checking blood pressure, etc, but when the medic measured my pulse, he looked at me and said, "You have an irregular pulse."

When I asked him what he meant, he said that my heart would beat with a regular rhythm for a while, then beat with an irregular rhythm, then beat regularly again. Then he added, "But I'm sure you've been dealing with this for a while, so let's move on."

Whoa, hold the phone there, slappy. This was news to me. That's just great, I've picked up some giant, freakish, Afghan heart parasite that's devouring my ticker as we speak, and he wants to just move on.

"Well, I'll check if the doctor can test you on the EKG to see if it's anything we should be concerned about," he added. Yeah, why don't you do that?

I'm happy to say the morning got better. For part 2 of my medical, I was ushered into an attractive female doctor's office. She looked at my file, asked me a few questions and then moved me into the examination room. After listening to my heart with a stethoscope, she informed me my heart sounded fine. If my medical had ended there, I would have considered it finishing on a positive note. Then she asked me, "Do you want me to check your testicles for lumps?" I must have given her an odd look, because she added, "Or would you rather check them yourself?"

"Uh, no that's ok. You can check them," I offered. This was quite a reversal of fortune. From worrying about my heart exploding in my chest, to having Martin and Lewis fondled and not even having to buy her dinner first. Good times.

Oh Canada!

2006-09-18T23:40:00.000-04:00

About two of my six or so readers have been complaining I haven't updated my blog, so here it is. I finally flew out of Afghanistan at the end of August, but not before the country got one more cheap shot on me. For my last few days there, anything I ate went straight through me. The prospect of flying out of there on a cargo plane with a wicked case of the trots was something I'd rather avoid, so I finally caved and went to the infirmary. They told me to switch to a liquid diet (not Jack Daniels and Jim Beam) for a couple of days to give my stomach a chance to recover, and take immodium whenever there was a problem. I have to say, the liquid diet did the trick and it was smooth sailing out of that country.

Before going home, we were sent to the Mediterranean paradise of Cyprus for 4 days of Decompression Leave. I was looking forward to having a few drinky poos, but as soon as I returned to solid food, the problem with my guts came back with a vengeance. A quick call to the Medical Officer and he informed me I probably had gastric enteritis. The good news was that antibiotics would clear it right up. The bad news was I couldn't drink or lie out in the sun, due to the antibiotic they were giving me. No problem. After all, why would I want to drink or lie out in the sun on a TROPICAL ISLAND?!! SON OF A BITCH!!!

Luckily, the drugs cleared up the problem right away, and 36 hours later I was boozing it up with a bunch of artillery guys in the town of Aya Napa, known as the European playground.

I've been back on Canadian soil for a couple of weeks now. To say it's great to be back would be an understatement. I went to my brother and sister-in-law's place for brunch the day I landed in Toronto. After reading about him for several months on my Kat's blog, I finally got to meet my four month old nephew, Max. Kat brought him down from his nap, I started talking to him, he stared at me for a bit and then got a big, goofy grin on his face. Then Kat sat him in my lap for a while and we just chilled. I think Max and I are going to get along just fine. What a well-behaved little guy he is, and well on his way to being a linebacker given his size.

In my first week home, I was reunited with a woman I briefly dated in University, whom I hadn't seen in 14 years. To make a long story short, her cousin was working in the camp where I was stationed and helped arrange my Euro trip. She had the same last name, so I asked her if she was related to Tina. As it turned out, she was and she gave me her cousin's e-mail address. We e-mailed and chatted for my remaining months in country, and finally met a few days after I was home. She has a nine year old daughter, whom she's done a terrific job of raising, and we've become good friends. It's like comedian Steven Wright used to say: "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."

Last weekend, my family held a welcome back party for me and invited my relatives and friends. It was awesome to see everyone again. My buddy John even stood in line for 2 hours at a Sci Fi convention, to get personalized autographed photos for me of two of the fetching actresses from the TV series Firefly. What a pal. And yes, I know I'm a geek. I've made my peace with it.

Since then, I've been relaxing with family in Burlington, visiting friends, and trying to figure out what I'm going to do next in my life. Should I stay in the military? Should I go out into the private sector and do something in project management? Or should I become a lumberjack? Skipping through the forests of British Columbia with my best gal by my side!

"Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok.
I work all night and I sleep all day...."

- The Lumberjack Song, Monty Python

The French Connection

2006-07-29T21:24:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but working 84 hours a week in this South-West Asian shithole without access to alcohol or nookie has a way of sucking the life right out of you.

So anyway, after Florence, we stopped at Pisa to see the famous leaning tower. Then we were off to spend a day and night in Nice and Monaco along the French Riviera. Then off to Lyons to sample their famous cuisine. We finished up the last few days of the vacation in Paris. Seeing the city at night from the top of the Eifel tower was awesome. Extra cool was that there was a Buddhist Monk up on the observation platform with us.

Yada yada yada, it was the best vacation I've ever had. I have about a month left in this place, and right now that's seeming about a month too long. Let's just say I'm not in my happy place right now.

Quote of the day:

Tonight I'll sing my songs again
I'll play the game and pretend
But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptyness in harmony
I need someone to comfort me

Homeward bound
I wish I was
Homeward bound
Home, where my thoughts escaping
Home, where my musics playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me

-Homeward Bound, Simon & Garfunkel

When in Rome...

2006-06-24T21:23:00.000-04:00

There are moments in life that will be forever cemented in memory. One of these for me is having dinner with some of my tour group while sitting outside in a piazza in Rome. I had an excellent tortellini with prawns, split a bottle of italian red wine with the others at my table, and tartuffo for dessert. That moment, and a few others on the trip made all of those days in Afghanistan worth it. We walked towards the ancient part of the city, and there before us was the Coliseum. I always imagined the Coliseum to be out in the middle of a big grassy field, for some strange reason. On the contrary, it's surrounded by the contemporary city. Here gladiators once fought for their freedom or for fortune, Christians were fed to the Lions, and sometimes the lower part was filled with water to stage recreations of sea battles. Shortly after returning to our hotel, two of the girls in our tour group took the "when in Rome" concept to heart and appeared in the hallway dressed in togas. That's the spirit!

The following day, we toured the Vatican and saw countless works of art within its walls. In the afternoon, we split up and wandered about the city at our leisure. Knowing we would need dress pants for some of the upcoming events, Dave and I toured some of the clothing shops the city had to offer. We discovered that when an Italian tailor promises that your pants will be hemmed by 6pm, expect them to be ready no sooner than 7:30.

An interesting aside about the hotel we were in was there was a UNESCO group of students staying there for several months finishing their Masters degree. What made this interesting was there were both Israelis and Palestinians in this group. I ended up speaking with members of both groups, asking them how they got along. They said they were fine one on one, and in groups they just had to be careful about discussing religion or politics. "It's a start," I thought. If members of these groups someday end up occupying positions of influence in their respective governments, perhaps they can come a little closer to achieving peace in that part of the world. The next day, we were off to the birthplace of the Renaissance itself, Florence.

Europalooza Part 4 - The Italian Job

2006-06-23T16:40:00.000-04:00

Italy was definitely different from the other places we had been. The people in Germany, Switzerland and Austria were very orderly and precise people. In comparison, Italy was chaos. Interesting, passionate and entertaining chaos, but chaos nonetheless. Italians love talking on their cell phones, especially when driving and cutting across four lanes of traffic. Our tour bus almost smacked into the same car not once but twice when the idiot behind the wheel suddenly cut in front of us.

At highway rest stops with restaurants, our tour guide explained to us the procedure for getting something to eat was you go to the counter where the food is, memorize the name of what it is you want, go over to the cashier in a different part of the shop, tell them what you want and pay for it, then take your receipt, go back to the counter where the food is, hand them your receipt and get your food. Plus, Italians don't believe in queueing. When you get to the front of the so-called "line", if you don't place your hands on the counter in a blocking position, don't be surprised if a grandmother cuts in front of you. That being said, the food was normally worth the wait. I love prosciutto, which is an aged, dry-cured, spiced Italian ham that is usually sliced thin and served without cooking, and it was available in abundance in this country.

Our tour guide also warned the girls in our group that they can expect to be hassled by Italian men asking to marry them or go out on a date with them. Our guide told them to simply agree to go out on a date with them on Sunday. He said they'll make up some excuse for why Sunday is no good for them and wander off. The reason for this is Sunday is the day they spend with their wife.

Our first stop in Italy was in the canal city of Venice. We had a few hours to wander around the city on our own and then we got back together and went on a gondola tour, viewing Venice in all of its decaying splendour while drinking champagne. In the evening, we went for a five course Venetian meal complete with muscians around our tables. It was at this dinner that some of the girls should have had a t-shirt saying, "Instant Pary! Just add alcohol and stir." I hadn't even been sure if these girls had teeth, because up until now I hadn't seen them smile. Once they had a few glasses of vino in them, it was time for them to par-tay! Then it was to the hotel for the next leg of our journey. Roma!

Europalooza Part 3 - For a Few Euros More

2006-06-16T19:40:00.000-04:00

Our Euro trip continued as we drove into the Rhine valley, the heart of German wine country. Our bus stopped in the village of St. Goar and the tour group went for a boat cruise along the river, viewing many majestic looking castles nestled into the hillside. After dinner, we went for a wine tasting and then went back to the hotel bar so the tour group could get to know each other better. Good times were had by all.

Next on the list was Switzerland. Our hotel was nestled in the mountains in Engleberg and the view was breathtaking everywhere you turned. While there, I picked up a new watch mainly so I could say, "Oh, you like this watch? I got this while I was in Switzerland..."

On our way to Austria, we stopped for lunch in the postage stamp sized country of Liechtenstein. Coincidentally, Liechtenstein is famous for its elaborate postage stamps. We spent a fun-filled afternoon white-water rafting in Austria. There had been a lot of rain in the preceding weeks, as such the water levels were high and the current fast. At the beginning of our trek, we had to jump into the water and swim back to the raft. Most jumped out holding onto the line attached to the raft. I jumped out and realized I was going to have to swim against the 16 km/h current to get back to the raft. I was able to keep the same distance between me and the raft, but couldn't get any closer. Struggling against the current, I started wondering if this is what a salmon feels like. Then I remembered that at the end of their trek, at least they get to spawn. Finally a voice in my head said, "Idiot, there's another raft about 40 feet behind you. You can swim WITH the current to it." Gotta love the path of least resistance.

Getting into Innsbruck, Austria, I noticed there didn't seem to be any fat Austrians. Our tour guide explained to us that Austrians are very much into walking, mountain biking, skiing, etc. I had made friends with an Aussie guy from Perth named Dave, and pointed out a great t-shirt to him which he immediately bought. It shows a yellow road sign with the silhouette of a kangaroo and the caption, "There aren't any kangaroos in Austria." Dave and I headed out to a night club that evening and discovered there is no shortage of beautiful Austrian women. Thank god we could sleep on the bus, because there were a lot of late nights and early mornings on this trip.

The next morning, we were off to the chaotic and passionate country of Italy. Former seat of the Roman Empire. But that's another story...

Europalooza Part 2 - A Fist Full of Euros

2006-06-02T06:15:00.000-04:00

Our tour bus disembarked from the ferry and began driving through France. After many years of dreaming about this, I was finally on the European continent. We drove across France and into Belgium, a country of fine chocolates and birthplace of the Smurfs. To commemorate this event, our tour guide Louis played the Smurfs theme song through the bus' stereo system from his iPod. We were to discover that Louis had many songs on his iPod related to the various countries we would be visiting.

Eventually, we passed into the Netherlands. Louis detailed the history of this nation, describing how they had once been a major world trading port, specializing in spices. He also touched upon that the Netherlands had become a very liberal country in the last thirty years or so, and that soft drugs and prostitution were legal.

Our first overnight stop of the tour was in the city of Amsterdam. There are 800,000 people living in Amsterdam, yet there are over a million bicycles within the city. As such there were paved bicycle paths everywhere. We were warned not to walk on the bicycle paths, as local residents would have no qualms about running us down. After having some dinner in the hotel, we set out for a boat cruise of the canals which ran throughout the city. The fact that beer and wine were included in the cost of the cruise definitely added to the levity.

The next morning, we drove out to the town of Edam, home of the famous cheese named after it. We went on a leisurely bike ride around the town on what Claudia the bike lady called "Granny bikes". We visited a place that made cheeze using traditional methods, and also made wooden shoes, some of which were quite intricately carved. This was followed up with a tour of a diamond shop in the diamond district, where we were shown how diamonds are cut and polished, and had the different grades of diamonds explained to us. Strangely enough, the women on the tour seemed more interested in this portion than the men did. The afternoon was free time to tour around the city at our leisure. We walked around the downtown area, had some lunch and visited the Anne Frank museum. The museum was the actual building that Anne Frank and her family had lived in in a series of secret rooms during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands. Later that night, our tour guide gave the group a tour through the infamous Red Light District. He mentioned to the tour group that if you see a window with a blue light instead of a red light, that means that the woman has "something extra" under her skirt. We had one more night of bar hopping in Amsterdam, then it was off to Germany through the Rhine valley. Stay tuned for more of the Euro adventures of the Renaissance Runner. Same Runner time. Same Runner channel.

RR

Europalooza Part 1

2006-06-01T07:48:00.000-04:00

Hello again my Renaissance Runners and Runnettes. The Euro tour to end all tours has finally come to an end, and what a tour it was. This was definitely not a tour to get caught up on your sleep, as there were many late nights which were usually followed by early mornings.

My vacation started when I touched down in Heathrow Airport in London on May 12th. I grabbed a black cab and spent the next half-hour on the way to my hotel marvelling at how green everything was. As a Canadian, I'm used to seeing a lot of greenery. The predominant colour in Afghanistan where I've been staying is dirt brown. Afghanistan is much like Nevada in it's appearance, actually, except without Vegas. Plus, people in Nevada generally don't launch rockets at you while you're sleeping, but I digress.

It was a sunny and warm day in London, so after checking into my hotel I went walking through one of the shopping districts during the lunch hour. My mind boggled at the number of beautiful London girls walking around. And the accents, oh God, the accents! What is it about a beautiful woman speaking in a British accent that makes me crazy with desire? Perhaps it was all the Benny Hill and Monty Python shows I watched in my formative years.

The night life in London was anything but dull, and I hopped around to a number of clubs in the Leicester Square and Covent Garden areas. I took one of those double decker bus sightseeing tours around the city and was awed by such spectacles as St. Paul's cathedral, Westminster Abbey, and the famous clock tower containing the bell known as Big Ben. I ended up spending a very fun Sunday evening in a pub around the corner from my hotel with a bunch of friendly theatre arts students from Florida State University. All I had to do was turn to them and say, "Hey there, where are you from?"

Finally the time came to join my Contiki tour group and begin my journey to the continent. The tour group mostly consisted of Canadians, Aussies, Americans and Kiwis, but we also had a South African and a Japanese guy as well. We loaded up on the tour bus, drove to the white cliffs of dover and boarded the ferry for Calais. After a night of drinking, it was a pleasure to be able to indulge in a proper English breakfast on the ferry, which included eggs, bacon, bangers, fried potatos and deep fried toast. Nothing like some heavy fuel to get you back on track.

Well, it's almost time for dinner here and I'm ravenous, so I'll continue my tale later. Peace out!

RR

Holiday!!

2006-05-09T15:43:00.000-04:00

Hello, my Renaissance Runnettes. In about a day and a half I'll be getting on a plane to start my European vacation. I've been wanting to see Europe for a long time, and now's my chance. I bought a new digital camera with a big memory card so I'll be able to take lots of pics. I'm really looking to the historical aspect of the trip. As a friend of mine pointed out to me yesterday, Canada is a very young country at only 139 years old. She told me she saw a cathedral in Europe that took longer than that just to build! This will basically be a whirlwind tour of about 10 countries in 19 days, so I'll get a little sampling of everything. I'll hopefully have some interesting tales to spin when I get back. Peace out!

Quote of the day

‘Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone... come and see how good I look!’
- Ron Burgundy, from Anchorman (2004)

We have Hyaenas and Jackals?

2006-05-05T15:44:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, I received a slightly disturbing e-mail which was sent out to a wide number of people within the camp. The e-mail stated there was a problem with Hyaenas, Jackals and dogs around the camp. There were concerns of rabies, so humane traps had been placed in the camp to catch them. It further stated that someone had been springing these traps after there was already something in it, and was at times even vandalizing the traps. This generated several thoughts:

1. We have possibly rabid hyaenas and jackals around here?
2. Who would be stupid enough to open a trap with a hyaena or jackal in it?!
3. What would life be like if we had thumbs on both sides of our hands? What? Oh yeah, hyaenas.

Funny quote of the day: "Damn, and I thought I was ugly! Son, you look like you been beat with a bag of nickels."
- American Colonel on seeing our clerk walk by

I'm an Uncle!

2006-04-25T04:22:00.000-04:00

A couple of days ago, I sent my brother an e-mail wishing him a happy birthday. I postulated in the e-mail that he probably had a low-key birthday due to the impending labour of his lovely wife Kat. The following day I received his reply. As it turns out, his birthday was anything but low key. Kat gave birth to their son, Max. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the concept that my brother is now a Dad. Don't get me wrong. I have every confidence he's going to be a great father. It just feels strange right now. As an Uncle, I have the coolest role of all. I get to be the one to corrupt him. Bwah hah hah hah hah!!!! Max, someday when you're old enough to read this, I just want you to know if you ever need to call someone in the middle of the night to ask them to bail you out of jail, give me a call and I'll come bail you out. I'll make fun of you, of course, but I will bail you out. Peace out!

Winning the War on Terror

2006-04-14T16:02:00.000-04:00

Ok, so here's my idea to help win the war on terror. You trademark the Taliban's name and then apply it to a bunch of frivilous consumer goods. Things like Taliban Troll Dolls, or Talibran Cereal. Try Talibran Cereal! With so much fibre it feels like there's a Jihad in your colon! Hopefully, the Taliban will be so embarrassed and disheartened by all of this that they'll lose the will to fight and just give up. Hey, it could happen.

To your fallen comrade, salute!!

2006-03-29T13:12:00.000-05:00

Tonight I attended my third ramp ceremony. A ramp ceremony is held when a soldier has died. All the allied forces gather on the airfield as the coffin is carried down the runway, to be loaded on the plane home. Tonight the ramp ceremony was for Private Robert Costall, a Canadian soldier who died in a battle with the Taliban last night. In that same battle, 13 Taliban were killed, although I imagine this will be of little consolation to Private Costall's family.

I have little doubt I'll be attending more of these ramp ceremonies during my stay in Afghanistan, both for our own troops and those of our allies, although I hope they will be few and far between. While standing out on the brightly lit airfield tarmac, I couldn't help but wonder, "Are the Taliban watching us right now? Are they lining up their rockets or mortars to take us out? Are there allied patrols out there attempting to protect us while we stand here?" They are sobering thoughts.

I'm trying my best to maintain an impassive, professional attitude towards this enemy, but it isn't easy. I am told Islam is a religion of peace. I want to believe that. I want to believe that the Taliban have perverted their religion, and that the Taliban are to Islam what the Ku Klux Klan and Pat Robertson are to Christianity: aberrations.

The Man in Afghanistan

2006-03-16T09:03:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am in Kandahar, Afghanistan. It's been close to three weeks since I left Canada. I'm happy to say the conditions here aren't as bad as I imagined they'd be. I sleep in a type of tent called a weather haven. It sleeps about 12 people, has a wooden door, sits on a concrete pad, and has partitions for each sleeping space.

The eating messes are run by the Americans, and the food isn't bad. Although the Yanks do seem to have a love of corn dogs. The weather has been mostly sunny and warm during the day, although we have had a few dust storms since I've been here. Being a desert environment, the nights are considerably cooler, but still much warmer than Canada this time of year.

One of the rules here in the camp is no drinking. While I'm missing cracking open a cold one at the end of the day, I can see the wisdom in this rule, seeing as we're all constantly in possession of a either a rifle or a pisol. You think drinking and driving is bad, try drinking and packing heat. Bad idea. There's also no "fraternization" here in the camp (i.e. no foolin' around). This means I'm living a monastic existence here. I'll just have to make it up on my European Tour. I'll be touring through 10 European countries in 19 days in May with a bunch of 18-35 year olds. We start in London, travel south until we hit Rome, then travel north again until we finish in Paris. At the end of the tour, I'll even have a couple of days in Paris to wander around by myself before I have to return to Kandahar. It's gonna be awesome!

I'm working with a great bunch of people in the headquarters, which definitely helps make the time pass easier. Most of us, myself included, work seven days a week here. After a while, you start to feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Every day is the same as the last.

I was excited to receive my first piece of mail from back home today. It was a St. Patrick's Day card from my brother and sister-in-law. They sent it on the third, so it didn't take long to get here. Thanks guys! Letters and packages are just a reminder that people back home miss you and love you.

I'm glad they have internet access and e-mail here, because the 9 1/2 hour time difference can make it difficult to reach people on the phone. By the time most of you are getting home from work, I've been in bed for several hours. At least there's the weekend for phone calls.

That's all I have for now. I hope my readers, all six of you, are doing well back in Canada. I look forward to seeing you all when I return to the Great White North in August.

SNAP, CRACK, OW!!

2006-02-06T20:04:00.000-05:00

For the next few days, the Renaissance Runner will be the Renaissance Hobbler. I was down in Burlington this weekend visiting my family. While out walking the dog late this morning, I slipped on a patch of ice. As I struggled to stay upright, my right foot snapped sharply to the side, I heard a *crack* come from my ankle, and thought, "Maybe I should just sit on the sidewalk for a while." After a couple of minutes of vehicles driving by ignoring me, a car of kindly sixtysomethings from Liverpool stopped to ask me if I was alright. They were nice enough to give me a ride back to my parents' place a few blocks away.

My Dad drove me down to the hospital to get my ankle checked out. As I was going through the registration process, the Nurse asked me, "Has anyone ever told you you look like a Hollywood celebrity?"

"Here it comes," I thought. "Another Rick Mercer comparison."

"You look a lot like Jim Cavaziel," she remarked.

I stared at her blankly. "Who?"

"He was in The Thin Red Line, Pay it Forward, and the Passion of the Christ. Believe me, it's a good thing."

It might have been my imagination, but my processing through the various stations seemed to speed up after this. I've heard of celebrities getting better treatment, but celebrity pseudo-lookalikes? Later on, the nurse even came by with a printout of a couple of pictures of this Cavaziel guy. I didn't think there was that much of a resemblance, but he's definitely a good looking guy. If she wants to think I look like him, who am I to argue?

Luckily, the x-rays indicated I hadn't broken anything. It's just a bad sprain. They wrapped my ankle in a tenser bandage and gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3s. I already had crutches from a trip to Emergency ten years ago, so I'm able to gimp around. Since it's my right ankle, I can't drive back to Ottawa until I can put some weight on it to operate the gas and brake pedals. So for now, I'm staying in Burlington. Peace out, brothahs and sistahs.

Perspective

2006-02-02T10:53:00.000-05:00

This morning I read something that really pissed me off. It brought on the kind of rage where you want to play loud, angry music, scream obscenities and smash things. I composed a short e-mail to DJ Kelly, ranting to her what happened, as I needed a sympathetic ear.

Within a few seconds of hitting the send button, my phone rang, indicating on the call display the Notorious MBA was calling me from her home. As it turned out, it wasn't MBA but her friend the Nanny. He informed me MBA's mother had passed away yesterday and she had left town to be with her family. Talk about dousing my feelings of anger and self-pity!

Her mom had been sick for quite some time, but I'm sure it doesn't change the feelings of shock and loss she must be going through right now. My thoughts are with you, MBA. You're strong and I know you'll get through this. Remember you have a lot of friends here who love you. When you get back, I'll cook you up a big plate of thick-sliced bacon and we'll talk.

Love RR

Homeward bound

2005-12-04T19:40:00.000-05:00

It's been five weeks since I came to Edmonton for the training I need to go to Afghanistan. I'll be flying home next week and I'm looking forward to seeing my family, friends and dog again. They managed to pack a lot of training into my time here, including marksmanship with the pistol and rifle, combat first aid training, medical briefings, language and cultural training, etc.

I've met some great people since I've been here, some of whom I'll be spending long hours with overseas. It's comforting to know, because there are fewer things worse than being in an isolated location for long periods of time with people you don't like.

I've also enjoyed exploring the downtown of Edmonton. As I type this post, I'm sitting in an internet cafe called the Naked Cyber Cafe, which is open 24 hours. They have Sinatra playing on their sound system and it's a pretty cool place. I've also found some good restaurants, pubs, dance clubs and martini lounges, all within walking distance of my hotel. I was introduced to a chain of restaurants located in the west called Earl's. They have excellent ribs and all of their waitresses are gorgeous.

Speaking of hotels, I was glad several of us ended up in the hotel we did. For the first couple of weeks, we were living in the barracks on the base. They had us packed in four to a room which meant we had very little personal space and absolutely no privacy. I was also being woken up regularly by a bunch of retarded apes on my floor who thought it was perfectly acceptable to slam doors at 3am on a weekday. Finally, someone arranged a booking for us in a downtown hotel. I would have been perfectly happy with a basic hotel room, instead I ended up with an apartment style suite that is larger and nicer than my own apartment back home! It has a full kitchen and dining area, a living room with a leather sofa and loveseat, sofa bed, vcr/dvd player, and a gas fireplace. Score!

I'm going to have a lot of time off over the holidays, so it should be a good Christmas. I also found out today my sis-in-law Fickle Feline got the results back from her latest ultrasound and she's going to have a boy. I'm going to have a nephew to buy loud, obnoxious toys for. What fun! I only regret that I'll be overseas when he's born. Oh well, I'll be back in August to meet the little tyke.

It's dinner time here in the prairies, so I'm going to go to a pub just around the corner for some food and a pint or two. I'll see some of you soon. Peace out.

RR

Quote of the day

2005-09-08T11:30:00.000-04:00

Some people are like slinkies. They're not really good for anything, but they can still make you smile when you push them down the stairs.

Labour Day Countdown

2005-09-02T10:11:00.000-04:00

Every day before work, I take Scout out for his morning constitutional. I decided to take him through Tunney's Pasture this morning. The presence of an enthusiastic Jack Russell Terrier usually manages to put a smile on at least some of the otherwise grim visages of the public servants on their way to their unfulfilling jobs. Sometimes after Scout has peed on a patch of ground, he'll sweep his back paws over the area as if to cover the spot up. He really gets into this. When this is on a patch of grass, the worst that happens is a few blades of grass get kicked up. This morning, however, he was on a patch of loose soil and clods of dirt were flying behind him. As he was finishing this, a middle aged guy was walking by about twenty feet away and as far as I can tell, he got hit in the arm by a small clod of dirt.

"Motherfucker!", I heard him curse under his breath as he walked by, without actually looking at me or directly speaking to me. I thought about how he was probably going to bitch about this incident to his coworkers all morning long. On further observation of him, something suggested to me he probably didn't have a lot of interaction with his coworkers. Instead, he was probably going to quietly seethe with rage about this all day long. Then he would go home, open up the freezer door to reveal the human head he kept there and scream to it about the injustices that were heaped upon him today. Simmer down there, Norman Bates.

On a different note, I started reading a novel called "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman. It's basically about how gods come to exist through the power of their followers' belief, and what happens to these gods when people stop believing in them or forget about them all together. So far, it's a fascinating read.

I hope everyone has a great long weekend. Be careful if you're travelling anywhere. There will be a lot of idiots behind the wheel this weekend who have no place driving on a highway. I'm staying in town, but every time I travel down to the Toronto area for a long weekend, I always seem to pass at least one horrific accident on the 401 that someone won't walk away from. Don't let that be you. Peace out.

Parents, birthdays, and seedy lounges

2005-08-02T13:14:00.000-04:00

It was a fun-filled long weekend, made even nicer by the fact I stayed in town instead of spending half of it driving to and from Toronto. It all started off Friday with a boozy bar hopping expedition with DJ Kelly, culminating with me waking up next morning lying sideways on my bed still in the clothes from the night before.

I then drove to the airport, very hungover I might add, to pick up my parents who were visiting me for the weekend. Dad hadn't slept well the night before either, so after we all went for a walk along the Ottawa river, Dad and I each took turns napping that afternoon. I prepared barbecued filet mignon and steamed asparagus for dinner, and we ended up watching a well done Kevin Spacey movie about the life of performer Bobby Darin, called "Beyond the Sea".

The next day, I took my folks down to the Market, where I introduced them to my favourite pub, Chez Lucien's. The place has great atmosphere and several tasty micro brewed beers. Later that afternoon, I dropped Mom and Dad off at the airport. It was great having them visit, but as I mentioned to them after listening to a lengthy discussion on where Dad might have misplaced his sunglasses, there are times I'm reminded why I left home.

Sunday night, I was off for the birthday celebration of The Princess at Griffin's. The Princess did not disappoint, as she wore a tiara. A good crowd showed up for the festivities, and there was dinner, drinks and dancing. We ended up at The Aloha Lounge, which is definitely an interesting place to people watch. On a previous excursion to the Aloha, I pointed out the there was a sort of damp, musty smell emanating from the couches. One of the Princess' friends started to laugh and gleefully exclaimed, "It smells like despair!". There was no despair in the Aloha this Sunday night, though. Everyone at the Princess' soirée went home tired, buzzed and happy.

Running on empty. Running wild.

2005-07-14T13:16:00.000-04:00

Last week I made a decision to go back to the Running Room for their Wednesday Run Club. I haven't been out running for a while and I'm glad I did it. I've been off my game for the past couple of months for reasons I won't discuss here, and it hasn't been a pleasant experience. Going out on a 10k run helped me regain some of my focus. It made me feel more...centered. It even helped loosen up the my left trapezius muscle, where I had pinched a nerve in an all day volleyball tournament the week before. Apparently, it's caused by all of the looking up you do while on the court.

I went out running again Tuesday evening and last night, and it's definitely having a positive effect on my outlook. Since I'm a single man again, the running will also help keep me svelte and sexy. I need to keep my competitive edge in this fierce jungle called the dating game. I'd love to stay and chat, but I've gotta run. RR out.

Baroque Biker

2005-06-16T13:10:00.000-04:00

This weekend I'll be participating in a 24 hour mountain biking relay at the Albion Hills Conservation Area in Bolton. I'll be part of a five man relay team called The Slackers. With a moniker like that, you just know the only gold we'll be going for is that 5% alcohol-by-volume nectar of the gods that comes in a bottle or can. And that'll be just fine by me.

Tonight I'll be going out to pick up a few essentials for the relay, such as a set of allen keys, tire lever, spare inner tube, hydration pack, a case of water, several bottles of gatorade, energy gels, etc. It promises to be a good time.

Happy 10th Anniversary, Dad

2005-06-09T12:16:00.000-04:00

With Father's Day coming up, I've been thinking about my Dad. It occurred to me it was about this time of year ten years ago when I received the phone call from my Mom. I had only been in Ottawa about six months. Mom told me Dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. The doctors had told her it looked like the cancer was still in its early stages, which in prostate cancer is a very good thing. She told me not to worry, which is like telling someone not to think about pink elephants. The spectre of the big C hanging over a loved one is a scary concept, indeed. I hated the fact I was over five hours away by car from them, which meant the amount of times I could be there for them was minimal.

My father had his options for treatment explained to him, and was advised the best option for survival was to have his prostate removed. I don't know how much more advanced the diagnostic equipment has gotten in the last decade, but back in '95 we were told the doctors wouldn't know if the cancer had metastasized to other parts of his body until he went in for the surgery on October 31st. The next few months were very difficult for all of us. I couldn't help but wonder, "Will this be the last Christmas we spend together?" Throughout this time, Mom was a pillar of strength for Dad, doing everything she could for him.

Finally the eventful day came. As his surgery was on Halloween, the staff joked with my Dad not to panic if he woke up and there were angels standing over him. My dad said he was fine with this, as long as he didn't wake up to see people from "the other place." The doctors advised us if they saw the cancer had spread, they would close my Dad up without removing the prostate and pursue other courses of treatment. The bottom line was, if they came out of surgery in less than half an hour, it was bad news. That was one of the toughest half hours of our lives. Luckily, the surgery went much longer than this and they successfully removed his prostate.

The recovery from the surgery was long and painful, but recover he did. Dad's been cancer free for almost ten years. I've observed a few times with my Dad that he's had to cope with diabetes, cancer, and even a heart attack. I then jokingly tell him he proves the maxim "only the good die young."

Every year during the United Way Campaign, I make sure to donate money to the Cancer Society, the Diabetic Association, and the Heart and Stroke Foundation. In a running gag, I e-mail Dad afterwards and tell him he can now put me back in his will. He replies, assuring me he has put me back in and his debts are now distributed equally. Corny, I know, but that's our family sense of humour.

I'm glad you're still around, Dad. You're a good guy. Keep on truckin'. In a year or so, we'll have one hell of a retirement party for you.

Love,

Your son.

Thoughts from a men's room stall

2005-05-31T15:21:00.000-04:00

Man alive, those beef quesadillas were a very, very bad idea.

How to annoy me

2005-05-25T14:32:00.000-04:00

Shut down three of the four elevator cars of the massive 14 storey apartment building I live in, first thing in the morning, as everyone is trying to leave the building to go to work. Great idea. Also all too typical of the brain trust that is this building's management.

Luke, join me on the side of insufficient light!

2005-05-25T12:41:00.000-04:00

Tonight I'm going to see Revenge of the Sith. I'd normally see a movie like this with a couple of my fellow Sci-fi geeks, but events conspired this weekend where they each ended up seeing it separately and without me. Yesterday I called up the Notorious MBA to see if she would go with me. MBA is not a sci-fi geek. She's really more of a HGTV geek. While she wasn't all that interested in seeing the movie, she knew I was Jonesin' for it and agreed to go. The conversation went something like this:

RR: Would you mind if we go to the Colisseum? It has the really big screens I want to see it on.

MBA: Sure, it's your night. Are you going to pick me up or shall I pick you up.

RR: Well, my place is on the way. Could you pick me up?

MBA: Of course. It's your night. What time should I pick you up for your Star Trek movie?

RR: Uh, MBA. It's Star Wars, not Star Trek.

MBA: Yeah, whatever.

RR: (pause) Is it too late for me to go with someone else?

This triggered almost a full minute of hysterical laughter on her end, which I couldn't help but join in on. You're a good friend, MBA. You're no sci-fi geek, but no one's perfect.

I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike.

2005-05-06T11:16:00.000-04:00

I'm considering biking to work rather than driving. I measured the distance from work to home last night on my car's trip meter and it's a little under 13k. An easily manageable distance. I timed myself last night and found it took me about 35 minutes to ride 13k, which isn't that much longer than what it takes me to drive to work in rush hour traffic. Considering the price of gas these days, biking to work will keep a few extra ducats in my wallet. Plus, it'll help keep me all svelte and sexy while also freeing up my evenings for other activities. I think I'll test out the route to work this weekend to see how bike friendly it is.

I'm off for lunch and frosty libations with a few choice coworkers. It's definitely a patio day here in our Nation's Capital. Have a great weekend, my loyal readers! All 5 of you!

RR out.

Tax time

2005-05-04T15:26:00.000-04:00

I finally filed my taxes on Monday night. According to the calculations of the tax prep software I used, I should expect to receive about $800 back. While historically I have received a return, I didn't expect it to be this much. The question now is what to do with this surprise chunk of change?

Do I buy 200 bottles of Schlitz malt liquor, so I keep representin'? Should I get a gold tooth? Do I take my car into the body shop and tell them to pimp my ride? Perhaps I should get a new computer, as mine is an ancient PIII 500. Maybe I should get that IPod mini I've been eyeballing and put the rest on my Visa? Decisions, decisions. What do you think, my loyal readers? Let's have some suggestions from the peanut gallery.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!!

2005-04-05T12:52:00.001-04:00

It's finally happened. Old man winter has bought the farm. People in general seem to be in a better mood now that the days are longer and it's warmer outside. In just a few short weeks the plants outside will be bursting into life, greening everything up nicely. More importantly, women will start wearing more revealing clothing (ie bare midriffs) and I'll be watching the summer interns go to work in the morning while I walk my dog. Ain't life grand?

Today's sponsors

2005-03-18T14:18:00.000-05:00

Today's blog post is brought to you by:

Xanax, the perfect palindrome.

Night Train wine. Come ride the night train.

Primal Scream Therapy. When only a howl of pure rage will do.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2005-03-17T14:34:00.000-05:00

Well folks, it's St. Patrick's Day. This day brings to mind phrases like "The luck of the Irish", "Top o' the mornin' to ye" and "Boy would I like to smash you in the face with my shillelagh."

In honour of this day dedicated to drinking your face off, I've come up with some St. Patty's Day pickup lines:

This may just be the green beer talking, but your ass sure is lookin' cute.

Yes that's my thick Irish brogue, and yes I'm happy to see you.

Hey baby. Ever make it with a leprechaun before?

Everyone should have a little Irish in them. Would you like a little Irish in you?

For those of you going out to celebrate. Have a blast, and stay away from the green beer. That shit is for tourists.

2005-03-16T18:35:00.000-05:00

I'm ready for my closeup.

2005-03-16T18:22:00.000-05:00

You can take away our pants, but you can't take away our freedom!!

Missing DVDs and Dripping faucets

2005-03-16T12:57:00.000-05:00

The last few days I had been eagerly waiting for The Incredibles to be released on DVD. I hadn't seen this animated feature yet, but had heard many good things about it. So, yesterday I went over to a nearby video store at lunch and bought a copy to watch that night.

The time finally came where I had a chance to sit down and watch the video. I removed the umpteen layers of packaging they wrap these things in, opened the case and...where's disc one of two? Disc one, which contained the actual feature, was conspicuously absent. Not happy.

For the past week, the kitchen faucet has developed a drip that has grown steadily worse. The most likely cause would be a worn out washer. Since I was going to go out anyways to exchange my movie, I thought I'd get a replacement washer. Before leaving, I went under the sink to shut the water supply off, only to discover there wasn't a shut-off valve. Looking in the bathroom, I saw there were shut-off valves for both the bathroom faucet and toilet. Why not in the kitchen? I went into my storage closet where the main water pipe enters my apartment, and found there wasn't a shut-off valve for the main water supply either. Really not happy.

Now I'm going to have to ask the building manager to send one of the superintendents up just to change a freaking washer. This presents a few problems. The building manager is a fat, lazy cow who I know won't give me even a rough idea of when this might be done. If the super comes in while I'm not there, my dog will FREAK OUT. The super won't be in any physical danger from Scout, but he will bark loudly and continuously at him while he is there, making it an unpleasant session for both. On top of this, I have a countertop dishwasher. According to the terms of my lease, we're not supposed to have dishwashers. This means I'll have to hide the bugger every day when I leave the apartment from the moment I make the call until the time the job is done, which could be a lengthy time. Well, I didn't need an excuse to drink last night, but thanks for giving me one!

You look just like...

2005-03-15T09:11:00.000-05:00

A couple of weekends ago, I got a call that a bunch of my friends were going to go out to an upscale club in Ottawa called "18". I hadn't been to 18, but was curious about it so I said I'd join them. A little later, I got a call saying 18 was reserved for a private function and they were going somewhere else. Somewhere else turned out to be Maxwells. For those of you not familiar with the Ottawa bar scene, Maxwells is a cougar bar on Elgin St. While not thrilled with the venue, I decided what was important was that I'd be with friends, so out I went.

After being there about an hour, I noticed an attractive non-cougar checking me out. This cutie saw I was also looking at her, so she walked over. She smiled, opened those full, pouty lips of hers and said, "Has anyone ever told you you look just like Rick Mercer?"

This scenario had played out quite differently in my head. "Uh, no. And I'm not quite sure how I feel about that," I answered.

"It's not a bad thing," she reasoned. "He's an intelligent guy, and it's probably not going to be the last time you hear that comparison." With that, she went back to her group.

Now don't get me wrong. I realize there are celebraties out there who would be far worse to be compared to. Ones who immediately come to mind are Steve Buscemi, Michael Jackson, John Goodman, Keith Richards and post-bender Nick Nolte. I like Rick Mercer. I agree he's an intelligent guy, and very funny too. I can even say he's not bad looking, but he's not what women would refer to as a hottie. I'm fairly certain women who make this observation will never follow this up with, "My roommate Candi and I have always had this fantasy involving Rick Mercer. Why don't you come back to our place for some hot, sweaty monkey love?" Not. Gonna. Happen.

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce

Testing

2005-03-14T15:07:00.000-05:00

Starting next Monday, I'll be out of town on business alternating between Trenton and Montreal for the next month and a half. While I'm away, my web access may be limited, so I've set up the feature that allows me to e-mail my blog posts to my site. This is a test to make sure this feature is working properly.

Montreal should be interesting to visit, but I'm less
than thrilled about the nightlife prospects of Trenton. My Mom has
graciously offered to look after my dog while I'm away, otherwise it would have been fairly expensive to board him. Thanks Mom.

The one advantage Trailerparkville has going for it, is that it's close to Toronto. This means it'll be easy for me to visit my family and friends in the GTA on weekends. I haven't been down to visit since the Christmas holidays, so it will be nice to spend time with my folks, my brother and sister-in-law, and my best bud John.

I was the Best Man at John's wedding a few years ago. John moved to Canada from Scotland when he was about ten. As part of his heritage, John decided he and his Best Man should wear kilts at the wedding. Not being Scottish myself, this was a unique opportunity to dress in highland regalia. Since this was most likely the only time I'd ever be wearing this, I decided to dress in the traditional manner and go "regimental". There were a few things I needed to keep in mind that night. Things such as don't run, be careful when sitting down, and don't spin around too fast on the dance floor. All in all, the wedding and reception was a fun time.

Today's Topic? Things that are smoked.

2005-03-09T14:15:00.000-05:00

Thanks go out to my brother for introducing me to Mitchell's Thick-Sliced Bacon. Goddamn, but that's some good salted pork product! No more paper thin strips of bacon that shrink to a third of their size by the time they're done. If this bacon was a professional tennis player, it would be Serena Williams. Thick and meaty. If you love bacon, and I know you do, pick up a pack of this the next time you're at the grocery store. If there is a heaven, I'd like to think they serve Mitchell's Thick-Sliced Bacon at St. Pete's Breakfast Buffet.

This morning, I was walking Scout in -30 degree weather, which meant he peed as fast as he could into a snow bank and was ready to come in after about two minutes. I took him in between the two sets of doors of my apartment building, where there are forced air heaters in the walls. The plan was to stay in there about a minute to let him warm up and then go back out one more time to make sure he was done. As soon as I entered, a man followed me in and proceeded to call someone on his cellphone. I was immediately assaulted by the reek of stale cigarette smoke emanating off of this man and his clothes. By "reek", I'm not referring to how we all used to smell after spending the entire night in a bar before the smoking ban. That was a smell which, while not pleasant, was at least tolerable. This guy smelled like a Legion Hall in Gatineau on Remembrance Day after a smokeathon. I actually felt my gorge rising and had to leave to avoid projectile vomiting. My question to the smokers who read my blog is this. Does smoking deaden your sense of smell similar to how it apparently affects your sense of taste, making this guy unaware that he stank? Or do long term smokers simply develop a high tolerance to the smell of stale cigarette smoke, similar to sewer workers developing a high tolerance to the stench of city sewer lines? Do tell.

Cunning Linguists

2005-03-03T13:06:00.000-05:00

Mad props to my homey, T-Dog, for sending me this e-mail of interesting word definitions. Now I'm sharing it with all of you.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. e.g. the State Of The Union Address.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole.

Back in Black!

2005-03-01T13:10:00.000-05:00

Hello, my Renaissance Runnettes. It's good to be back. It warms my heart to see in the comments section that my absence was noted and that I was missed. I'm sure the question in all of your minds right now is, "Where was RR all this time that he couldn't keep us enthralled with the minutiae of his life?" There are a few possibilities:

1. I was away in distant and exotic lands having mind-blowing adventures, which I can't elaborate on due to matters of national security.

2. As a tribute to the passing of Hunter S. Thompson, I went on a massive drug and alcohol fueled mad roller coaster ride through the American Southwest in a 1962 Cadillac El Dorado convertible. The finer details of which are a little hazy right now. Especially the part about where I went to a piercing shop and got a Prince Albert.

3. I was abducted by aliens and subjected to painful and humiliating tests. Speaking of which, why do aliens always give their abductees an anal probe? What's up with that? Personally, I don't think it has any scientific merit to it and they just do it for shits and giggles. I find it strangely comforting that a race of beings advanced enough to have developed interstellar travel, still finds sticking a probe in someone's rectum uproariously funny.

4. I have the winter blahs, I've been busy at work, and frankly been just too damn lazy to blog.

Which one is it? I'll leave it up to you to decide which one you like best. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to prep for Mr. Johnson's colostomy.

Man's best friend - My dog Scout

2005-02-10T20:06:00.000-05:00

The backyard apex predator.

It works!!!

2005-02-10T18:43:00.000-05:00

Well spank my ass and call me Julie! I finally got this picture posting thing to work. For some reason the "Hello" software wasn't working right the first time I tried to use it before the holidays. I gave up on it out of frustration, but decided to try it again tonight. It prompted me to download an upgrade and voila! Now that I know it works, you'll be seeing a lot of pics on here.

Renaissance Runner revealed

Voodoo Dental Surgery

2005-02-08T15:39:00.000-05:00

On Sunday, my friend VT turned 30. I offered to organize a party for her, but she was feeling a little sensitive about this milestone. Instead, I took her out on Saturday to dinner at a great Italian Restaurant in Stittsville called Cabotto's. Afterwards, we went back to my place where I presented her with a brownie caramel cheesecake and sang happy birthday. Then, we watched an enjoyable Johnny Depp movie from 1995 called Don Juan DeMarco.

Yesterday morning, I went in for dental surgery. Apparently, the bone never totally grew back in where my last wisdom tooth was extracted two years ago and it was causing problems in keeping the area clean. The dentist cut open the gum tissue where the wisdom tooth used to be, gave the area a thorough cleaning right down to the roots of the molar in front of it. This last part has caused a few people in my office to shudder when I described it. The dentist then started drilling on my jawbone to extract some bone material to use to fill in the area behind my molar. At one point, I tasted something bitter and chalky on my tongue and thought, "Hmmmm, I'm now tasting pulverized bits of my own jawbone. That's a little unsettling." Apparently, the dentist wasn't able to extract enough material, so he resorted to using ground up human cadaver bone instead to fill the crater. That's right, bone from a dead person. Does this seem a little voodooish to anyone else? If having cadaver bone fragments in my jaw somehow ends up zombiefying (sp?) me and I start going after all of you to eat your brains, I'd like to apologize in advance. BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS!!!! Whoa, where did that outburst come from? Weird.

The surgery seemed to go pretty well, except when the dentist was sewing me up the freezing started to wear off, and I started becoming aware of the suture needle passing through my gum tissue. I gave him a stone cold look and growled, "If you don't refreeze my mouth pronto, I'm gonna take that scalpel and cut you open from asshole to adams apple." Actually, that's not quite true. I think what I said was, "Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhh!" To which the dentist asked if I could feel that and I responded, "Unnhhh hunnnh."

After I was sewn up I was given a bottle of motrin and a bottle of tylenol 3s and sent home. The meds kept the pain at bay, and I spent the day in bed reading with Scout curled up at my side. Whenever I've had dental work before involving stitches, they've always been the kind that dissolve. For some reason these are the non-dissolving kind and will have to be removed next Monday. Today, I'm back at work and remarkably pain free even without the pain medication. I'm not happy about the fact I'm not supposed to work out this week because of the surgery. I haven't missed a single training session since I started a month ago and was feeling pretty good about this, but I guess it can't be helped. The last thing I want to do is pop my stitches while trying to see how much I can bench. Plus, I'm on a soft food diet and there's a steak in my fridge that I can't eat. I can hear it calling to me. Somehow, soup just isn't the same. Just you wait, ribeye. Just you wait...

Fun Weekend

2005-02-01T13:52:00.000-05:00

Well, my little Renaissance Runnettes, I had a pretty satisfying weekend. Friday night I went and saw the Clint Eastwood movie "Million Dollar Baby" with the Notorious MBA. Clint is in his 70's and he's doing some of his best work. At one point in the film MBA leaned over to me, pointed at Clint on the screen and whispered, "Oh my God, he's playing my dad!" I don't want to ruin the film for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, but let's just say there was a plot twist neither of us saw coming, which is rare. It caught us like a flurry to the solar plexus. This flick is definitely worth seeing.

On Saturday, I went to the Bayshore Mall and ended up buying a stylin' pair of Adidas track pants and "Firefly: The complete series" on DVD. For those who've never watched Firefly, it's a cleverly written Sci-Fi Western produced by Joss Wedon, who also created "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel". Some of Joss' talents include his ability to make likeable characters and witty dialogue. Plus, actress Morena Baccarin who plays the "companion" Inara is so smoking hot I would gladly drink her bath water. Later that evening, I went out with some friends to a blues club called The Rainbow to see a local woman perform, who turned out to be pretty good. Afterwards we went over to Zak's diner for a big plate of poutine.

On Sunday, I went skating on the canal with VT and then had a tasty Tex Mex burger with salsa and jalopeno peppers at the Royal Oak by the canal. By about 8 o'clock that night I was dozing off on the couch with Scout curled up in the crook of my legs. All in all a good weekend.

Watching paint dry

2005-01-27T15:33:00.000-05:00

I've spent the last hour sitting in my cubicle listening to our building maintenance man walk in to our conference room about every five minutes and curse up a blue streak. We ordered a massive white board that needed to be specially mounted in the conference room, so our maintenance man hired a guy a few days ago to do this. Apparently, this involved cutting a huge section of the wall out, and then filling it back in with drywall.

Yesterday, our maintenance man admitted he'd forgotten to hire a painter, so he said it looked like he was going to have to do it himself. I had a moment of doubt when he said this, but then I thought "He IS the maintenance man. Surely he's capable of painting a five by seven foot piece of wall." Well, I saw him applying the paint with a roller this morning. When he came back this afternoon, I heard him spew out obscenities that would make a sailor blush. I craned my head to look inside and saw the paint had dried about five shades darker than the rest of the wall. Not good. I couldn't help but feel a selfish moment of relief that I had nothing to do with this gaffe.

Hmmmm, maybe I'll pick up some vermouth on the way home so I can use that Bombay Sapphire Gin martini kit I got for Christmas.

Mental imagery, sexay style!

2005-01-26T13:42:00.000-05:00

The other day I was conversing with a co-worker of mine in her cubicle. She's attractive, smart and funny, and of course very married. She mentioned she had been down for a meeting in the building we used to work in on the other side of town. While there, she had grabbed something to eat in the building cafeteria. When we worked there, I called this establishment the Crapeteria. The only reason anyone actually ate there was because anything else was simply too far away. The staff was surly (some of us were convinced they were there from a prison work release program), and their idea of a nutritious lunch was pogos and fries.

Anyways, my comely co-worker mentioned she had greasy bacon and eggs while she was there, and that they were surprisingly good. She was mentioning this as I was leaving to go back to my cubicle, and as I walked away she added something that I almost missed, but luckily my brain filter snagged for further observation. She said, "So now I'm all greased up for the day." As I was only half-listening by this point, I responded with a minimal, "Uh huh" and then stopped in mid-stride as my brain processed the double entendre. Did she say this intentionally to torment me or was it said off the cuff without thinking? In the end, I don't really care. I thanked her for the lovely mental imagery she had supplied me with and went back to my cubicle for some alone time.

Not on my watch

2005-01-13T13:54:00.000-05:00

As many of you already realize, Canada is a pretty amazing place to live. We have freedoms and privileges here that many of the world's populace can only dream about. Along with these rights, however, come certain responsibilities. As the citizens of a democracy, it's important to maintain a vigil on our rights, to ensure they are not taken away or slowly eroded. Whether this be the rights of Canadians in general or just a section of our populace.

What I'm referring to is the recommendation of former NDP attorney-general Marion Boyd that Sharia law should be allowed to be practiced by Muslims in Ontario in the resolution of family disputes. Proponents of this say that Catholics and Jews are already able to arbitrate domestic disputes within their faiths. Therefore under the freedom of religion guaranteed in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, Muslims should also be permitted to do this. There's a serious difference here. There is quite a history of Sharia law violating fundamental rights enshrined in our Constitution for equal treatment. Under some interpretations of sharia, a woman who is raped is guilty of tempting the man. Showing an ankle is tantamount to enticement. A Muslim husband has the right -- duty even -- to beat his wife if she's disobedient. A Muslim who converts to Christianity technically could face a death sentence. Are there likely to be executions and stonings in Ontario if this is implemented? Unlikely, but that isn't to say other forms of abuse won't be legitimized.

To see if only non-Muslims were against this, I decided to do some searching on the web to gather more info on Sharia, and came upon a letter sent to Ms. Boyd from the Canadian Council on Muslim Women. Among other points touched upon in this letter, they stated the following:

"For us, Islam is a religion of peace, compassion, social justice and equality, and we know that many of the interpretations and practices of Muslim law do not always reflect these principles. Further, we think that these fundamentals are embodied in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

And we advocate that as we are not compelled by our faith to live under Muslim family law, we as Canadian Muslim women want the same laws to apply to us as to all other Canadians. and not to have our equality rights jeopardized by the application of another system of jurisprudence."

As you can see, even they don't want Sharia law. Many of these women came to Canada to escape the oppression of Sharia law in their former homelands. Why would we inflict something like this on them?

While searching the web, I also learned about a woman named Homa Arjomand. Ms. Arjomand was born in 1952 in Iran and started her political/social activities when she was 17. She studied medical physics in England and has worked as a teacher in various colleges and universities. Since 1970 she has devoted her life fighting for women’s rights. In the winter of 1989 she fled Iran through mountains because her life was endangered by the Islamic Regime of Iran. Homa has lived in Canada since 1990, and is a member of the steering committee of The Organization for Women's Liberation; the coordinator of The Campaign in Defence of Women's Rights in Iran; Chair Person of Children First Now and also leads The Campaign Against Sharia Court in Canada. On the website for the latter campaign, there is a petition available to protest the setting up of a Sharia Court in Canada. I would ask all of you reading this to please go to this site and sign the petition. Tell your friends and family about it too. Will signing this petition actually make a difference in the Ontario government's decision on whether to allow Sharia courts? I honestly don't know. I hope it does make a difference.

In closing, I'd like to quote an individual who understood the importance of the separation of church and state and was also the author of the Declaration of Independence of the United States, Mr. Thomas Jefferson:

"In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own."

Sharia Court in Canada? Not on my watch.

I keep an exceptionally clean penis

2005-01-10T13:29:00.000-05:00

Boston Legal is now my favourite show on TV. James Spader does a masterful job of playing cocky, smarmy, womanizing attorney with a hidden heart of gold Alan Shore. And who could say anything bad about Bill Shatner's (aka Captain Kirk) portrayal of the law firm's formidable, but slipping in old age senior partner? As they say on the show, two words inspire awe and fear in people. Denny Crane. The title of this post comes from a line in last night's episode. Candace Bergen is a new addition to the show as Shirley Schmidt, name partner of Crane, Poole and Schmidt. Schmidt walks into the men's room to inspect it after a female employee of the firm launches a complaint that the fixtures in the men's room are nicer than in the ladies' room. Alan Shore finishes up at a urinal, and after some witty banter, introduces himself and extends his hand. Shirley looks at his hand and says, "Surely you intend on washing it first." to which Alan replies with the above line. I damn near busted a gut.

It was a pretty good weekend for me. I went out with a bunch of people to celebrate a friend's birthday. We started off with dinner at Big Daddy's Crab Shack, where I had a very tasty and spicy blackened redfish. After this, we went down to the Whiskey Bar in the market. The DJ, who was at the dinner with us, played an excellent mix of 80's retro. On Sunday, I was the Renaissance Skater, gliding along the frozen Rideau Canal with the Notorious MBA.

I'm also happy to say I've found a better route for driving to work. As the winter has progressed, I've found my original route has gotten steadily worse. I found I was spending too much time thinking about how I loathe and despise all the stupid drivers delaying my passage. This morning I arrived to work without the slightest urge to pound on my steering wheel and howl with rage. What a pleasant change.

Today is also the first day of my exercise program. I'm going to be doing a weight training program mixed with a little cardio. Hopefully I can stick to the program regularly. If so, by the summer I'll have muscles like frozen beef. Beefcake I say! BEEEEFCAAAAKE!!

Adendum to Year in Review

2005-01-06T13:19:00.000-05:00

I thought of another item to add to my "Good Things of 2004" list. My brother taking me to see the Beastie Boys in Toronto for my birthday. It had been a while since I'd been to a large concert, and I'd never seen the Beastie Boys live, so I was really excited about seeing them. I've been listening to their music since I was 16, rockin' out to tunes like "No sleep 'till Brooklyn". Given this band's longevity in the music biz, it was interesting to see the wide variety of ages in the crowd. The Boys put on an awesome show and I went home that night musically sated.

The Year in Review

2005-01-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

Well, my Renaissance Runnettes. I haven't written anything new on here for a while, so I figured I might as well start it off with my year in review.

The Good things of 2004:

I took up a new interest

Last January I signed up for a six weekend Hands-on Filmmaking Course. The course taught all the nuts and bolts of making a film such as directing, lighting, sound, using a 16mm movie camera, editing and even where to find funding for your potential blockbuster. The last few weekends were spent shooting and editing our own two minute black and white short film, which was a blast. Half of the fun of the course was being surrounded by people who loved quirky little films as much as I did. I followed this up in the summer with a five day directing course called "A week in the hot seat". Here we got to work with professional actors and learn how to give proper direction to bring out their best performance. I have several ideas for short films I want to do. Now I just need to get off my butt and do them.

My vacation in Cuba

Around the end of January, I had had it with the vicious cold snap in our nation's capital and suggested to my girlfriend at the time, "Let's go someplace sunny and warm". This resulted in a very enjoyable week at the end of February in an all-inclusive resort in Cuba, laying on the beach, swimming in the ocean, sipping rum drinks and even renting a car and tooling around the island. This was just what I needed to make it through the winter. It wasn't until after we got back to Canada that my girlfriend admitted she hated it there. The reason being she is more the staying in a hostel, living among the locals and losing ten pounds from dysentary type. I prefer my creature comforts, especially when you only have a week. This, plus a couple of other things resulted in our breakup. The trip did highlight our incompatibilities. I suppose it was better to find this out when I did rather than a year or two down the road.

My Brother got married

I should add to this by saying my brother got married to a wonderful and supercool chick, and I'm not just saying that because she bakes me lots of really tasty cookies. On top of this, I was the Best Man for the ceremony, which meant I had the honour of planning the debauchery of the bachelor party in Niagara Falls. Good times! The ceremony was great, and the party later that night couldn't have gone better.

I ran my first marathon

October 17th, a day that will live in infamy. In spite of the rain and -1 celsius wind chill, I'm still glad I ran the Toronto Marathon. At least I had on long running tights, a long sleeve running shirt and a wind breaker to provide some protection from the elements. I felt sorry for the poor saps who had decided to wear shorts and a t-shirt for that day. The last 10k were ran purely on willpower. My friends who cheered me on along the way were a big help in keeping my spirits up when fatigue was dragging me down. Plus the knowledge that my family were at the finish line to cheer me in and had gatorade and dry clothes waiting for me. Will I run another one? Perhaps.

I bought a mountain bike

To get in some cross training for my marathon, I decided to buy a mountain bike. It had been over a decade since I had ridden a bike, and rediscovered the simple joy of going for a bike ride. I also started going trail riding with a couple of friends. On my second trail ride I slipped on some pointy rocks and got a nice gash in my forearm which required 7 stitches in the emergency room. Now I have a manly scar on my arm and a mountain biking "war story".

The Bad things of 2004:

My job has gotten progressively worse

Our office moved from a ten minute walk from my apartment to a half-hour or more drive from my apartment. One of the main reasons I chose the apartment I'm now in was because I could avoid rush hour traffic, which I passionately loathe. The duties in my job were changed which made my job thoroughly less enjoyable. My staff was taken and given to a complete knob who happens to play golf with the boss. Now I find out that this knob will be the new boss by the end of the summer. I'm actively working at finding another job. Hopefully these efforts pan out before the douchebaggery becomes just too much to bear.

My summer girlfriend broke up with me two days after my brother's wedding

This former girlfriend and I are now friends. As a matter of fact, she even reads my blog from time to time. And while I don't harbour any feelings of ill will towards her for the breakup in general, I have to say her timing sucked. Could I have felt like a bigger loser for the next couple of weeks after this? I think not.

Overall, the year was pretty good. Now if I can just do something about this job, 2005 could shape up to be the year of Chris.

Merry Christmas movie house!!

2004-12-14T15:29:00.000-05:00

There are a few events that help get me into the Christmas spirit every year. Ironically, one of these is when I hear Adam Sandler's Chanukah Song. Another is watching Christmas movies on TV. One movie in particular is Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life, which I bought on DVD last week. I find it's even better when shared with someone, so I invited my friend Joan (whom I've given the gangsta name the Notorious MBA) over to watch it. Let it not be said that the Renaissance Runner has a heart of stone. Even though I've seen this film many times, there are still a few scenes that get me just a little choked up and misty-eyed. Yes, I do have a sentimental side.

I'm definitely looking forward to going home for the holidays and spending time with the people I love; namely my friends and family. I'm eagerly anticipating my sister-in-law's Christmas baked goods, and will be making use of my Dad's treadmill to remain svelte and sexy. Maybe I'll go download some Christmas songs and play them tonight. Oh, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Stay off the pipe, kids!!

2004-12-14T14:36:00.000-05:00

During my commute to work this morning, I was flipping between radio stations trying to find either witty repartee between the morning crews or music that didn't suck. I miss 101.1 X-FM, but that's another story. Unable to find either at the moment, I settled for listening to the news. One bizzare news item in particular grabbed my attention.

Robert Chamberlain, a 44-year-old Virginia man was arrested earlier this month and charged with felony criminal mischief for damaging a Motel 6 room in upstate New York. So far it sounded like nothing out of the ordinary for this favourite haven of adulterers on a budget. What made this incident stand out was he was nabbed for slathering Vaseline on every single thing in room 205, including mattresses, pillows, sheets, furniture, carpeting, blankets, the TV, etc. A motel employee discovered the slippery tableau shortly after Mr. Chamberlain had checked out, and notified the Sherrif's office. The Deputy who arrived to investigate recalled that a room at a nearby Super 8 had been slimed by Chamberlain a few weeks ago, although the owner had declined to press charges.

A search of the trash in the Motel 6 room turned up 14 empty jars of Vaseline, drug paraphernalia and cocaine residue indicating he'd been smoking crack, and porno magazines, all of which were also covered in Vaseline. Shortly after the discovery of the damaged room, Chamberlain was arrested at a nearby Econo Lodge. At the time of his arrest, the man in question was covered from head to toe in Vaseline.

Are you taking this in, kidees? If this isn't incentive enough to stay off the pipe, I don't know what is. Yeeeecccchhh!!!

Renaissance Runner: The Movie!

2004-12-07T13:44:00.000-05:00

I've been asked a few times in the past that if a movie of my life and times were to be made, who would I cast to play me? My answer, without evasion, equivocation, or mental reservation has been Erik Estrada. Who better than the macho, super cool Officer Frank "Ponch" Poncherello from the 70's TV series "CHiPs" to portray the glory and majesty that is Renaissance Runner?

Mind you the, 80's and 90's were not necessarily kind to my homey Erik. Understanding that a man's gotta pay the bills, I forgave him for less than stellar gigs such as Hollywood Squares and Circus of the Stars. I even looked the other way when I saw he was on the Reality TV series The Surreal Life. What I witnessed recently, however, just goes too far. I was up late Saturday night sitting at my computer, with the TV on for background noise. Suddenly I heard an all too familiar voice and saw Mr. Estrada on the screen, wearing a tacky Hawaian shirt, doing a commercial selling property for some sort of "gated" community in Arkansas. Yes, that's right, Arkansas! A half hour later he was back plugging the same concept in Florida.

Mr. Estrada, you may have once been a star. You may have once been great. But now you will never know what it is like to play the Renaissance Runner. My new choice to play me is none other than Scott Baio. This ladies man was even inducted into The Man Show Hall of Fame for his reputation of dating women such as Brooke Shields, Pamela Anderson, Nicolette Sheridan and Heather Locklear among other celebrity hotties. So long Ponch, you washed up sellout. Hello Chachi!

Dear Santa...

2004-12-01T14:18:00.000-05:00

Hey Kringle,

How you doin'? I know it's been a long time since I've wrote you. I want you to know I forgive you for not bringing me a Big Wheel for Christmas when I was six. It's in the past, big guy. Let's move on.

On to the present, pardon the pun, there's something I want for Christmas that I could use your help with. I don't even know if this is something within the scope of your special kind of magic. Anyhoo, here goes. Can you bring me a girlfriend for Christmas? Don't get me wrong. Toys and clothes and stuff are nice and all, but I really don't have any problem getting those myself. The girlfriend thing is turning out to be a little more problematic. I don't have any preferences on hair colour, eye colour, etc, but there definitely must be a hotness factor. I may be a little shallow when it comes to that, but then again, who isn't?

Let her have intelligent things to say. Having interesting conversations while we lie entwined together in the darkness all sleepy and warm is my second favourite thing to do in bed.

Let her be an outdoorsy kind of person, for I have a new mountain bike, and having someone to go biking with would bring me great joy.

Let her know what she wants and not be afraid to go after it. Likewise let her understand I know what I want and have her not be afraid if what I want is her.

Let her have the sense and forthrightness to tell me if I have said or done something to make her sad or angry. Chances are this was not done intentionally and I am ignorant of the effects of those actions. She will likely be most pleased with the lengths I will go to make amends.

Finally, let her not have excessive emotional baggage. One carry-on is fine. Four steamer trunks are way off. If she must have several pieces of luggage, at least let them be a matching set. Perhaps Gucci. Heftybags will just not do.

This is all I'm asking for St. Nick. I realize it's a tall order, but I have faith in you. If this is outside the realm of the possible, some holiday arm candy to take to Christmas parties will do in the short term. Something to make my work colleagues jealous, and make the brass think, "Hmmmm, I can't quite put my finger on it, but something's different about RR. Maybe he is senior management material after all. Let's get the decorators in for his new office."

Yours truly,

Renaissance Runner (RR)

Gord Downie, Smarmy folks and hot dogs

2004-11-30T11:39:00.000-05:00

There I was, sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon watching TV, when I got a call from my good friend Chris. Some corporate flesh peddlar had given him two tickets to the Tragically Hip concert going on that night, as a thank you for all the buisiness he had been doing with them lately. Chris and his girlfriend had had a long day and decided they didn't want to go, hence would I like the tickets? Score!! I called up V.T. and we were off to the races!

I'd never seen the Hip in concert before and I wasn't disappointed. Gord Downie was entertainingly goofy on stage for a good part of the show, going off on tangents in the middle of songs and dancing spastically. The Hip were in much better form than their apparently lacklustre performance at the Grey Cup a few weeks ago.

I've come to the conclusion that I prefer being in the company of witty, sarcastic people. Barring that, I like being around cynical, grumpy people. A good proportion of the workforce on our project are contractors. Many of these people exhibit the kind of over the top, forced joviality normally demonstrated by used car salesmen and game show hosts. People like this make me uneasy. Maybe I'm just a freak, but I find it difficult to trust someone who always acts that smarmy. There's just something not...quite...honest about it. It's my belief that if you want to know who someone really is, either get them very drunk or very angry. Luckily, there are a few "real" people around here who display the full range of human emotions. These are the people I try and spend time with.

Yesterday I discovered an essay by Christopher Walken about his love of eating hot dogs. Chris Walken is one hillarious, intense, cool dude. Anyone who would threaten to smash your brains in with a fucking bat if you disagree with his love of hot dogs is someone whom I wanna hang around.

Non Sequiturs

2004-11-26T10:20:00.000-05:00

I think my emotional maturity peaked at about age 14. Whenever I see the commercial for Oil of Olay daily facials, I can't help but hear a Beavis and Butthead type voice in my head say, "Heh, heh heh. She said facial."

I turned 34 earlier this month. I'm beginning to think this was the magic date that the warranty on my body ran out. On Monday, I went and lifted weights for the first time in about a year. Since it had been a while, I decided to go with a workout that wouldn't be too intense for my first time. The workout seemed to go ok and I was feeling fine. When I woke up the next morning, it felt like someone had hit me between the shoulder blades and in the chest with a Louisville Slugger. I've been taking those combination pain killers and muscle relaxants the last few days to help out. It's only today I noticed the pain had lessened a little, hinting at some healing going on. Last night after work, I was walking my dog through the field behind my apartment building. We were trotting along a path when suddenly my left foot went in a pot hole, causing it to snap violently inward, leaving my ankle touching the ground. I started screaming out a littany of curses that would make a sailor blush, hopping on my right foot. Surprisingly, after about a minute or so, the pain subsided and I realized I had gotten off easy. A minute later, I was able to walk without even a limp. I got up around 4am to use the bathroom, and discovered I wasn't completely unscathed. I'll probably be limping for the next few days. At least I didn't break anything.

Kim Cattrall's character Samantha has always been my favourite on Sex in the City. Ms. Cattrall also had a small part ten years ago in Star Trek VI. I heard on the radio this morning that during the wrap party for the Star Trek movie, Kim and her boyfriend snuck onto the set for the Enterprise bridge, had sex in the Captain's chair and even took photos. She says since then whenever she hears the words "Captain's Log", it has an entirely different meaning for her. She just gets cooler and cooler in my mind.

I went to the Dentist yestderday for a cleaning. As soon as I sat in the chair, I looked the Dental Hygienist in the eye and said, "Before you start working on my teeth, let's get one thing straight. I can honestly say I floss every day, so don't tell me it looks like I need to floss more often." That being established, she went to work on my choppers. A few times she could see my whole body tense up. She commented my gums seemed a little sensitive. Of course they're sensitive, I thought. You're gouging them with a stainless steel hook!! Is this how hygienists get their shits and giggles? I was informed a gap in the bone and gum had been left behind my left bottom molar when my last wisdom tooth was removed. This makes it pretty much impossible to keep the area clean. She had the dentist come in to look and tell me about a procedure where they can insert a tiny piece of cow bone in the gap, which should cause my body to eventually replace it with my own bone cells and fill in the gap. Cow bone? I didn't even know that was possible. Ah, the wonders of modern medical science.

Renaissance's Hierarchy

2004-11-24T12:46:00.000-05:00

Is it unrealistic to expect to have a job where you don't use adjectives like "soul-sucking" to describe it? Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful I'm steadily employed. I realize there are jobs out there far worse than mine. I also realize that living in a country like Canada means my standard of living is probably better than about 95% of the world's population. Since I have the lower needs on Maslow's hierarchy taken care of, though, I've come to focus on items in my life such as job satisfaction, which I have to say is sorely lacking. I have a couple of leads on other jobs within my organization which I've made inquiries into. Hopefully I can make something happen in one of them.

On a lighter note, I recently read a quote which demonstrated Einstein's ability to simplify concepts:

"When you're courting a pretty girl, an hour seems like a second. When you're sitting on a hot coal, a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."

Back-to-back Cusack

2004-11-22T11:14:00.000-05:00

Saturday night I got together with some friends at Trevor and Joni's place and watched a John Cusack double bill on his 53" widescreen TV. (Not to worry, Scott. Just because your 47" TV isn't quite as big, doesn't mean it isn't also very nice.) We watched Grosse Pointe Blank and then Hi Fidelity, both films which he co-wrote. I've liked John Cusack ever since his roles in Better off Dead, and The Sure Thing. Cusack seems repelled by most Hollywood formulaic schlock, instead going for more offbeat stories.

There were three dogs at the house, and when I arrived back at my apartment, Scout, my Jack Russell Terrier was there to greet me as usual. It never ceases to amaze me how sensitive his nose is. This is a dog who has found a peanut in its shell buried under 8 inches of snow. As soon as he came up to me, he started vigorously sniffing my pant legs, obviously smelling the 3 dogs on me. Then he gave me a look as if to say, "How could you leave me here and go play with those other dogs?" I almost wanted to say, "Well yeah, I did play a little fetch with them, but it didn't mean anything." Hmmmm, maybe I need to get out more.

Stomptastic

2004-11-19T14:20:00.000-05:00

My friend Joan took me to dinner and a show last night as a late birthday present. First we went to Friday's Roast Beef house, where we devoured a coronary inducing volume of cow flesh. Moooooooo! After the gorgefest, we went to see Stomp at the National Arts Centre. What an amazing show! Who would have thought that so many everyday items could be used as percussion instruments, such as push brooms, boxes of wooden matches, whisks and dustpans, kitchen sinks, plungers, bits of rubber tubing, zippo lighters, and even folding metal chairs. This was all interspersed with bits of comic relief throughout the acts. There was even some audience participation involved. If you haven't seen this show yet, I highly recommend it. If there's one piece of advice I can give, it's don't sit there shouting out "Hey! Where's all the singin' cats?!". Apparently, the ushers don't have much of a sense of ha ha about that sort of stuff. Who knew?

Oh Bridget, what have you done?

2004-11-18T10:15:00.000-05:00

I went and saw the Bridget Jones sequel last night with my friend Joan. I thought the first movie was fairly well done, so I had a certain set of expectations for this one. I was sorely disappointed. In the original, Bridget was portrayed as being halfway intelligent. In this version she was simply an idiot. The movie had only a few schticks which they used over and over again. The most common one being:

1. Something happens to Bridget making her look like a mess.
2. Bridget then walks in on her boyfriend Mark who is with some very important people.
3. Everyone stares at her and she gets embarrassed.
4. Rinse. Repeat.

Hugh Grant had some great lines in it, but it wasn't nearly enough to save this train wreck. Oh well, Joan's taking me out to dinner and then to see the show "Stomp" tonight as a late birthday gift. Could there be anything more fun than watching a bunch of guys make a lot of noise by hitting things? I think not.

And Foot said "Let there be Blog", and there was blog, and the blog was good.

2004-11-16T14:08:00.000-05:00

After seeing the blog page of my awesome sister-in-law, I figured I would start keeping a journal of the events of my life. Or if I come to the conclusion that my life isn't really all that entertaining, I'll make up interesting things I supposedly did, so people will think I'm a witty, urbane man about town. That's all I have for now. Stay tuned!